No Minivan

Hi! Remember me? No? Yeah, me neither. But for those who still read this site now and again, here’s what’s been on my mind lately:

- Been thinking about going public with this site. Well, it’s not private by any means, but there is a certain amount of anonymity from many of my friends, family and coworkers. I think I might write more if I knew people were reading and more people who knew me were reading, not random strangers. A lot of the bloggers I’ve friended on Facebook share links to their new posts there and I often wish I could do that. I don’t really talk about anything ultra confidential and I definitely don’t talk about work since the fiasco at my last job, so there wouldn’t be any harm in sharing my current posts (on the rare occasion I write one) with the folks who know me. However, there are archived posts where I vent about my family and friends that I’m not sure I want them to read. I wish I could password protect part of my archive without having to go post by post. I’ve been writing since 2002. That’s a lot of posts. Still, it’s something to consider.

- I think I may be perimenopausal. I’m only 33, but I’m really starting to wonder. For the last week or two, I’ve been having hot flashes, really bad acne and terrible mood swings. Clearly, my hormones are f***ed up (and I’m NOT pregnant). So I made an appointment with my OBGYN in 2 weeks to find out what is going on with my body. My prediction is he’s going to want to put me back on the pill. The last pill pretty much negated the lovely effects of the Lex.apro so it will have to be something else. I can’t afford for the anxiety to get worse right now, especially since…

- Work is crazy busy! We’ve reorganized and I’m taking on a completely different role. However, I’m still doing a lot of my old job too, which means I’m twice as busy as before. It’s making me feel VERY anxious and irritable. It’s not hard work, but it’s very time consuming and there’s A LOT of it. Plus, all of my coworkers are being stretched to the limit, too, so we’re all anxious and freaking out a bit. It also doesn’t help that our boss is a bit of a control freak (something I’ve told him to his face so no worries if I go public with the blog).

- My cell phone contract is up in 2 weeks and I’m debating if I want to get a better phone and keep my current plan, get a better phone for my hubby under my current plan, or get a pay as you go phone and plan. I never call anyone and I get very few calls either (for an extrovert, I’m very introverted) so it doesn’t make sense to pay for 500 minutes a month that I never even come close to using. However, I would like to be able to access Facebook and check my email on my phone, which I can’t do now. Do you have a NON-smartphone that does that?

Isn’t my life just a thrill a minute?

Instead of talking to my OBGYN about the BCP vs. mental meds, I’ve just decided to stop taking the BCP after I finish this pack. It’s just not worth it. I don’t even know how much the BCP helps with the PCOS symptoms and my chances of getting pregnant are extremely slim to none. So after this week, I’ll be finished with this pack (except the placebos which I never take anyway) so hopefully my serotonin levels will be back to normal before the Christmas madness really begins.

In the New Year, I want to try some other things for dealing with the PCOS. I want to go back on Met.formin and start exercising. The Met.formin will lend itself to eating better too, since there are awful GI side effects if you eat high fat/high carb foods while on it. Getting my insulin levels straightened out and losing some weight should help with the PCOS symptoms and maybe keep me from continuing down this path to Type II Diabetes. Then there’s the fatty liver that would also benefit from a few less pounds. I know I need to do it, I just need to get myself pumped up mentally and the holidays are not the time to start trying to eat right and exercise. I’ll wait until January before I give up pumpkin pie!

Do you have weight loss plans for 2010? What diet plan or exercise regime are you planning to follow?

Soooo, if you weren’t already aware (and you might not since I password protected the original post): A few months ago I became the world’s biggest hypocrite and started taking Lex.a.pro (periods added to avoid spam) to deal with my anxiety issues. Why am I a hypocrite? Because before I started taking meds, I was the first one on my soapbox to poo poo antidepressants. Oh, you don’t need that! Just exercise! Just make some changes in your life! Just talk to a therapist! You don’t need those freaky deeky brain chemical altering drugs! Until you do.

So I’ve been taking 20mg of Lex.a.pro a day since August and it’s made a world of difference for me. I feel NORMAL, whatever that means. I feel more confident and more like myself from 10 years ago. Well, that was until this week. See, almost 2 weeks ago I started taking birth control pills(BCP, Re.clip.sen to be exact) to help with the PCOS symptoms and make for damn sure a miracle doesn’t occur and I end up pregnant. I chose Re.clip.sen (really I asked for Ortho.cept, but apparently they’re the same thing) because it’s recommended as a “less androgenic properties” pill. (You can read my post about that here.) However, I think something between those two drugs is causing my anxiety to go bonkers. Literally. Yesterday I felt as bad as I did before I went on the Lex.a.pro.

I emailed my Nurse Practitioner (who is the bomb!) and she suggested I call my OB to try another pill. She doesn’t think the BCP is making the Lex.a.pro less effective, but it may be increasing my anxiety. (Don’t tell my NP, but I took an extra 10mg of Lex.a.pro last night and I do feel better today.) Honestly, if the BCP is the cause and the whole reason I’m taking it is to help with PCOS symptoms, then I might as well just stop taking it since another brand of BCP probably won’t be as effective at helping with PCOS symptoms. This may require a call to an Endocrinologist. I’m self-diagnosing and self-prescribing and that’s really not good.

So anyhoo, I’ll keep you posted on the meds situation just in case someone else out there is having issues like mine. Is anyone else having issues like mine? Or have you had issues with BCPs and anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds? Email me, if you don’t feel comfortable posting here. I’d really appreciate your view!

I apologize in advance for the TMI nature of this post. Although, unless you’re a brand spanking new reader you probably already know that there’s not too many topics I shy away from.

My body is so seriously screwed up. Back story: I haven’t had a spontaneous (AKA not medically induced) period since the month I stopped breastfeeding the Kid in 2005. Before that I hadn’t had one since I stopped taking the Pill in 2002. And in fact, I recently had a discussion with my OBGYN about whether it was harmful to not have periods since I don’t have them on my own (Answer: not harmful, but he recommends having at least one a quarter to “clean out the pipes” as it were).

So imagine my suprise when on Friday morning I discovered a smear of red. People, I am still breastfeeding. That alone should inhibit my menstrual cycle. Combine that with the anovulation that plagued my journey to parenthood and you should have a girl going period-free. But no, my screwed up body decides to get cranking ~9 months into breastfeeding.

I told hubby about 2 weeks ago that I thought I might be ovulating. I had that weird pain/pulling sensation on my right side that only comes but once a month (or once in a blue moon if you’re me). I even took a pregnancy test because I had that same feeling during the early months of my pregnancy with Boo.

I’m assuming that the weird pain combined with this weekend’s period means I did actually ovulate on my own. WTF? I try to get pregnant for years and can’t cycle on my own, but here I am, all done with babies, and my body decides it’s time to go solo. Seriously screwed up.

Luckily, my milk supply doesn’t seem to be affected and I was with good friends having a grreat time all weekend so PMS (real or imaginary) wasn’t a factor. The only concern at this point is whether this will become a regular habit and if so, what do we want to do about birth control. What was that I was saying a few posts back about a miracle occuring? I guess I need to start talking about winning the lottery now.

P.S. In other news, Boo said “Mama” for the first time yesterday! He’s said “Mamamamama” when he’s upset, but yesterday he said just “Mama” and then laid his head on my shoulder. So cute!

P.S.S. Looks like I’m going to Amsterdam for work again in a few weeks. It’s actually a very small seaside town about an hour away from downtown Amsterdam. And again I’m thanking my lucky stars for that stockpile of breastmilk in the freezer! It just wouldn’t be possible to travel without it.

Edited to add: There’s still time to vote for my IIFF movie “Seasons of Love“!

Tuesday randomness…

- My baby is sick. He had a low-grade fever (just over 100) all day and night yesterday and then he started complaining about his mouth hurting and having a tummyache. Turns out he has a bunch of little sores (like canker sores) on the insides of his cheeks. This morning he has a red and swollen throat,too. Dr. Google thinks it’s Hand, Foot and Mouth disease and I’m inclined to agree. Kevin is taking him to the pediatrician today to find out for sure. Nasty communicable diseases. Poor kid’s not even in day care and he ends up with this crap.
Edited to add: The ped has confirmed Dr. Google’s diagnosis of HFMD. There’s nothing the doc can do, it just has to run its course. We can give him ibuprofen or numbing gel for the pain, but that’s about it. Poor little guy.

- I’m down 11 pounds in two weeks. Only 89 pounds to go! I was thinking this morning about how awesome it will be if/when I really do manage to get all this weight off. I used to have a great curvy figure about 10 years ago. I will miss having boobs, but that’s a small (pun intended!) price to pay for a smaller ass.
Edited to add: I just read this article and I’m thinking I need to re-introduce a few more carbs into my diet. I also think I should probably get on a calcium supplement and maybe even a potassium supplement. Losing 5+ pounds a week is not healthy and I need to be as healthy as possible to be a good environment for pregnancy. What I need is a dietician/nutritionist.

- Countdown: 3 days until Scrapapalooza 2007! A whole weekend to crop to my little heart’s content. Yes, I’m a scrapbooking dork. Shut up.

- Here I said I’d participate in the STLBloggers Blog Carnival, but I’m afraid I don’t have much to say about the chosen topic: High School. Or actually, I probably have too much to say and it would be a really long, boring post. I can tell you that I was the Queen of Truth or Dare in the drama/choir crowd. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for a dare and I would always come up with the most creative and risque dares for other people. Keep in mind, I was still an ultra-virgin in those days. I just read a lot of paperback romance.

- One very good thing this diet seems to be doing for me is clearing up my skin. I haven’t had a complexion this clear since I gave birth to Gavin (all those beautiful pregnancy hormones really stuck it to the PCOS-induced androgens). Another good thing is probably TMI, but the PCOS ladies on Met.formin may appreciate this: The duece is solid. Solid as a rock. In fact, they are so solid, I’m thinking of upping the Met.formin to 1500mg (compared to the 1000mg I’m on now). Dr. P wants me on 2000mg and with this diet, I just might be able to do that. The stomach cramps are gone and I just feel better all around. More energy, less pain and fewer trips to the bathroom. What’s not to like?

- On the TTC front: It’s CD9 and my 5th day on 150mg of Clo.mid. I haven’t noticed any emotional side effects (no weepiness and no more than usual bitchiness), but the hot flashes are hitting pretty hard. I’ll start the Folli.stim Friday and continue through the weekend. Luckily, my hotel roommates are aware of what I’m going through so I won’t have to explain why I’m jabbing myself with a big yellow needle. Note to self: Get some alcohol wipes for this weekend.

- The birthday gifts are rolling in already! My dad got me a gift certificate to Amazon so I knocked a few things off my wishlist. They should be here later this week. Before that a surprise box from Amazon showed up at my door. A generous benefactor (who shall remain nameless in her awesomeness) sent me two books from the aforementioned Jasper Fforde. Sweet!

- Speaking of books, I finished the first Harry Potter. That one was remarkably similar to the movie. Like word for word similar. I kind of like the fact that I’ve already seen the movies because I can picture the movie characters in my head as I’m reading. The casting for Hagrid was just brilliant. He talks EXACTLY like the character from the book. That must a be a very specific dialect from some part of the UK. So anyway, I really enjoyed the first book and am picking up book 2 tonight.

- Kevin and I were laughing our asses off watching this video. Enjoy!

I went to the GI Doc this afternoon. His office is about as old and lacking in upkeep as he is. Seriously. The phrase “older than dirt” came to mind when he walked in the room. The office was also very understaffed and a bit disorganized. It took over an hour and a half to meet with docter, get blood drawn, and schedule an u/s. I wasn’t very impressed with the office itself, but I did end up liking the doctor, which is the important part.

When I mentioned my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage (as a possible reason why in January my liver levels went down), GI Doc said he was sorry! Dr. A, the OBGYN didn’t even do that. That definitely started me out on the right foot with GI Doc. Then he told me exactly what I was expecting. It’s probably just my fat ass causing a fat liver (foi gras, anyone?), although he didn’t use those exact words, of course. He pulled about 4 vials of blood and is sending me for an abdominal ultrasound just to be sure that’s what it is. Depending on how those come out, I may also need a liver biopsy.

I have to think that since my levels went down while I was pregnant (and off all meds), that the Met.for.min may be aggravating the situation. I have no doubt that my being overweight is the main culprit, but I know plenty of fat people who don’t have hepatic lipidosis. So that makes me think that the drugs might be making things a bit worse. Although I love Met.for.min when I’m actively trying to lose weight, it’s just annoying right now. The GI issues used to go away after a few weeks of taking it, but now I have to take Immo.dium almost every day or I can’t make it through a work day. I would not be sad if Dr. P decided to take me off it.

So the waiting continues. Waiting for my period and the cycle to start. Waiting for the blood test and u/s results. Waiting, waiting, waiting…

Ass, meet Toilet.

Toilet, meet Ass.

You’ll be spending a lot more time together thanks to our buddy, Metformin.

If this stall’s a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!

Ms. C over at It Could Take 3 Months recently composed a truly poignant post about the joys of living with PCOS. The comments totally made my day. Truer words have never been spoken (er… written).

I know it’s hard to sense the sarcasm I’m exuding with that title, but, trust me, it’s there. I woke up this morning to find out that the hard drive on my home computer died at some point last night. Luckily, we have a file server where I keep all the really important stuff so this won’t hurt me as bad as it could have. However, it’s still annoying since I have lost all my email and email addresses and various little things that made my computer life easier.

And to brighten my morning even more: I went in for another u/s this morning and here we are at CD17 with one tiny little 14mm follicle on my tiny right ovary. Fuck. This means I go back in on Saturday for a third date with the dildo cam and hopefully, the egg will have grown large enough to trigger release. Of course the clinic is closed on Sunday so we won’t be able to go in for the IUIs until Monday and Tuesday. Fuckity Fuck.

I asked the lovely Laura what the hold up is with my follicles. I thought it might be because of the extra 2 days of Clomid, but she says it might be that my body still adjusting to the 2000mg (up from 1500) of Metformin. She says the delay is not that long so they are not worried. If it was cycle day 20 and they weren’t seeing any growth at all, then they would be worried. But mine is growing and if I trigger on Saturday that’s only a 4 day difference from last month.

I got a little weepy when I left the doc’s office this morning. I was disappointed that my body is not cooperating the way I expected it to. And I’m worried that this timeline means another failed cycle. If they could have triggered today, I’d be IUIing Friday and Saturday. Instead, I’ll have to wait a day and hope we haven’t missed our window of opportunity. I really need to make a conscious effort to stop over-analyzing and trying to control things that are very obviously outside my control.

I am done with Dr. Mac. After the great C-section he performed and knowing that he has all the details of my previous pregnancy, I thought I should give him another try with Kid 2.0, but I just can’t take it. I refuse to leave the care of my reproductive health in the hands of a man who doesn’t put his patients first.

I arrived for my ultrasound (in his office) this morning and the u/s tech took me back and got me prepped. She doesn’t say a word through the whole thing. When she’s finished, I ask her if she saw anything. She says “There are no large cysts.” Now, I know the techs can’t legally diagnose so I know I’m going to have to wait for the doc to tell me what’s up. The tech send me out to the waiting room to wait for Dr. Mac. I’m imagining he’ll sit down with me and show me the u/s pictures and explain what’s going on.
Dr. Mac breezes through the waiting room a few minutes later. He says Hi, I say Good Morning. Two minutes later, the u/s tech pops into the receptionist’s area and calls me up there. She says “Dr. Mac says it’s OK to start your Clomid tomorrow.” I ask “So there were no cysts or any problems at all?” She repeats verbatim “Dr. Mac says it’s OK to start your Clomid tomorrow.” I’m so shocked and pissed I just walk out. I get to the stairwell, I walk back into the hall, I walk back in the stairwell and then back into the hall.

I’m so pissed. I know that the Clomid issue was the most important one since I didn’t want to miss a cycle, but my health is important too and I have the right to know if anything at all is going on. So I blink back tears of rage (I cry when I’m mad, dammit) and storm back in to his office. He just happens to pass by the receptionist’s area as I’m asking to speak to him. He barely pauses to stick his head in and raise his eyebrows.  I say “So there was nothing wrong? There’s no explanation for this pain?” He shakes his head and says “No, there’s no cysts, the ovary looks normal” and walks away.

There was one other patient in the office this early on a Saturday. One. And he could not take two minutes out of his day to sit down with me and explain the u/s. I remember in my first two trimesters with Gavin I often had to chase him out into the hallway to get my questions answered because he was in such a hurry (so much for patient confidentiality) and I refuse to go through that again. I know doctors get paid by the patient and they get screwed by insurance companies and malpractice insurance is expensive and blah blah blah. He is a doctor and he took an oath to put his patients lives first. I have the right to know what is going on in my body and it’s his job is to tell me.

I feel some satisfaction in knowing that his unwillingness to spend two minutes with me today is going to cost him the big paycheck that would have come with my second C-section. So who will get that paycheck? I need your help, ladies. If there is an OBGYN you just think the world of, leave a comment or shoot me an email. I need a doctor who actually gives a damn.